Relationships are like a gourmet dish. You must scout for specific ingredients, put in the effort and endless hours preparing. Long before you serve, the scents invite neighbors. Remember how in ushago your neighbor made Chapati and all kids in the village gathered to play near the home.

The unavailable man treats you exactly like a gourmet dish. He will call you within 12 hours of getting your number. It doesn’t matter if he walks to the parking lot or hides in the washroom to make the call. He will take you on a date within the week. And he will pay. No, he will not take you to Chicken inn, Galitos, Java, Kaldis or even Highlands. He will find a nice quiet place. Something like Trattoria, Fogo Gaucho, some Ethiopian or Indian restaurant. Basically somewhere that has the ambience to carry a conversation and will tantalize your taste buds. You have no reason to say no to such an offer.

He will call to say good morning. He will call again in the middle of your work day to find out how you are doing and later to wish you goodnight. He will challenge you to become a better you. He will help empower you and be proud of your achievements as he assumes you are his protégé. If you have no dreams, the better for him. He has a clean canvas to draw his.

This man may be a broken man. He took his wife through university, bought her a house yet she doesn’t appreciate the sacrifices he made. He comes to you from a point of vulnerability. He had a hanky panky session with his now wife when he was still wet behind the ears and made a tiny human. He considered himself a responsible man. Responsible men sit down with the old men and come to an agreement. Many years later, he realized he doesn’t know her or care enough to try. The wife recently got a promotion at work and he thinks it was not on merit. Not with the way she is so friendly with her boss. He is awfully insecure and he is looking for his own Olivia Pope in you. So here you are.

Or maybe is just an ungrateful bastard who thinks the world should dance and naenae to his music. He fell in love with his wife, had a grand white wedding. An all week event (Indian style) and honey moon at the coast (typical Kenyan). They have two beautiful kids but because he can’t keep it in his pants you are sited with him at a dimly lit corner in Trattoria. He has found new money. He might have won a government tender and is making so much dough, Chris Kirubi can’t keep up. And because new money is hard to hide he has developed an ego larger than Lamu island. This ego makes him feel invincible and he will wine and dine you until you are rolling in bed together. Then he will promptly loose his phone AKA your number. When you meet him in town next he will have a new yellow yellow size 8 on his arm. He is rebounding on you and he knows it but you aren’t privy to that info. You were his wham bam thank you ma’am and were left high and dry. But your eyes are wet.

You will fall for the unavailable man and you will fall hard. Especially if you are also not emotionally available. He will feed this demon in you. That is why you need to work through these demons in your closet. I’m not saying you hire a hit squad to go for your ex’s wife. I’m not saying you hire thugs to go kill your husband in cold blood or get a machete and drop your husband’s head into a basket. All I am saying is before you jump ship; you need to look at your needs as a couple. I may be the wrong person to give relationship advice, but there it is.

I know one thing for sure. Each relationship is an amalgamation of ingredients and they all make a different dish each time. We need to give things time to simmer. You know how we are always saying tuko digital? Well, we need to get our asses back to analogue when doing relationships. Let’s not hurry up and microwave our emotions, feelings and relationships. There is no app for relationships. Quit glossing over and losing interest like it’s a magazine. You must have the difficult conversations with your spouse. If you can’t fix it, free each other and move on.

Some of you will think about the kids involved, the assets blah blah blah. I will have you know this. A kid with happy separated parents is far much happier than a kid from a home with fights all day every day. If you go home tonight and tell your wife/husband tumeishanwo, my friend you are on your own. I don’t advocate for divorce. I just think instead of beating up or hiring a hit squad to kill your lover just leave. Your lover isn’t a goat you descend on with a machete and make Christmas dinner with. He is a human being. You should respect his feelings and opinions.

As you celebrate the holidays from wherever, have fun. Make merry and remember 2016 is going to be a great year. Don’t worry it’s not going to be 2015s. It will be 2016.

The unavailable man