I have been rewatching HOUSE M.D, the series. Dr House’s honesty is brutal. It is difficult for him to have a relationship because of that. Relationships are difficult though. One evening, I sat in a smoky café (everyone was smoking) with a friend who kept asking me, “Kendi why are you single?” “You are beautiful, intelligent, hardworking, polite and God fearing.” His words, not mine. This reminded me of another friend I’ve known for the longest time and he keeps asking me, “do you know how beautiful you are? You need to introduce me to the man in your life, he who makes you this happy”.
Is there something wrong with being a single girl? If I am not attached to a man, does my value as a human being exponentially decline? My nephew recently told me that I cannot, not have a boyfriend. He simply doesn’t believe I would be single. Recently, a girl told me that she has been through all my social media accounts and wonders why I do not talk about a man in my life. Well, that is because it’s my private life. I might be dating an FBI agent and I don’t want to be the target of some revenge scheme. I watch too many movies. Perhaps.
But then it begs the question as a woman grows older does it mean she is less of a person because no man has put a ring on it? Why do we as a society feel the need to push women into the arms of every man who appears single? Sometimes even men who are looking for a second wife. Why do we feel the need to label a woman a snob just because she is in her prime years and doesn’t have a man in her arms? Is it any wonder that some women will hang onto abusive marriages? Why do we assume that a woman ignored all men that came her way while in college to focus on her studies? Why does it have to be it’s the girls fault? Maybe she met men who lied to her, cheated and pushed her away and now she is too scared to trust again. She has healed her heart too many times to deal with indecision. She has not had any “Sponsors” because that’s not her portion. And now she is in a comfortable space where she needs not mess with that. After all you don’t date anyone and everyone on your radar. You date only those people you are attracted to. We want what we want and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
I was talking to a friend the other day and he said. We have this new need to share everything. Social media has made us beasts. If it’s not on social media it did not happen. I could go out, date, get married and have a baby without all this appearing on social media. This is how life was before. Maybe I am one of the few who can eat a bowl of salad and not feel the need to post it on Instagram. That is what is called living. We are currently living virtually whereby we wait for people likes and comments to validate our own beauty. To boost our self esteem our posts need to be liked by about a hundred people. As I was writing this I went through my social media. I have over one thousand friends but none of my posts has got over fifty likes. I am not a lesser human being because of it. I am just me.
We have been reduced to a society where our physical appearance matters more than anything else. Isn’t there more to the world than looks? I had a girl ask me last Saturday how old I am because I look more like a teenager than a grown woman. She meant it as a complement, but why are we all oh so physical? For example in my office my colleague said, “Kendi do you know you are a walking weapon? You are all bones and no meat.” That sounds offensive right? I was not offended, it could be because he said it on a light note or I am so used to such snarky comments and I’d rather spend my time on other things. Also I’ve been confused for a high schooler one too many times, so there is that as well. They say beauty is skin deep. But is it really when it’s not validated by one hundred likes on Instagram.
I’ve been away because I got a job. A job that I love. A job that helps me pay my bills. A job that allows me to save. A job that lets me help the less fortunate. A source of income. It’s not all candy and chocolates though. I work hard I have 16 hour work days. I barely have weekends I’m just busy. I have not been writing enough, I am feeling guilty about it. I have been killing myself with the thoughts of maybe I am not working on my talent enough. I have been confused wondering what will happen if I don’t write. Then I realized nothing at all. I will just have to write when I can write and work hard at my job. My writing has not paid even one of my bills. It will in the future, of that I am certain but what am I supposed to live on until then? I know the case of getting a job to help you with your talent and you end up forgetting about your talent.
I had a friend tell me just recently of how I shouldn’t lose myself at work. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to live a little. If you have never lacked in your life, you wouldn’t know the fear of lacking. If you belong to that rich family everyone talks about in your neighborhood you would have no idea. If you had it all and just when you begin to discover what life is all about… then its all taken away then maybe you would. In my book working is living. I know many of you might disagree with me. Money is not everything but money can buy me a holiday in Dubai. The joy you get when you can walk into a BATA Shop and buy a pair of shoes because your other shoes are getting old and you are not bootstrapping anymore is hard to explain. If you have never had to walk in the rainy streets of Nairobi with shoes that can tell how far you have walked and the only time you can tell you need a new pair is when it rains a little and water seeps in then don’t say money is not everything. If you have never won condom shoes because you can only spend Ksh 300 on shoes and still look good even as your feet burn with the sun then shut up.
It’s a rat race this one. As much as we try to deny. You will work very hard at your job to get money to afford a vacation, a car, a house or a certain lifestyle. You will never stop because there is always a better car than your starter car and you will work harder to get it. In the current society you are defined by what you drive, where you live and to some extent who you date. If you JAV you immediately fall to a different level. Have you met people who will not associate with people of a class they consider lower?
If you were born privileged, remember that girl in your class who wasn’t. If your father sits on the board of CENTRAL BANK, ask him for a favor. Ask him to give a chance to that brilliant girl in your class who has never had a job . After all, you have nothing to lose. Ask your mother to talk to that mama in her prayer cell who needs a shop attendant. She might give a chance to that boy you know who has no job. When we pray for the poor, is it not upon us to help along? God places you in a certain position so you can bless someone. Set aside a hundred shillings and buy milk on your way home for that street family. Ignore the fact that some of them might be pretending. Remember the saying, tenda wema nenda zako.