SHE'S FIXATED

With every waking moment, you are on my mind. The tiny dollop of toothpaste I squeeze out has a way of reminding me of you, because your toothpaste tastes terrible. When I am spreading lotion on my skin I remember how fruity your lotion smelt. Not that I mind. Especially since I do not know if I can have you and your fruity smelling lotion. With every win, I want to call you. With every loss, I want to call you. I want to share every moment with you. You are the only man that undoes me without even trying.

I am a girl. We could use that to excuse the way you make me weak in the knees. With age comes wisdom. My growing older has made my thoughts clearer. I want certainty. I cannot be one foot out one foot in. My heart is not like a bed, where when it’s a little hot I hang my foot out and the temperatures are perfect in an instant. I know you care. But I don’t know how much or if it is enough. You once said people don’t change and I believe that. People are however very good at hiding their true character. That’s why we are surprised when we see a different side to someone. I have accepted that I like you so much more than I want to let on. I love every moment I spend with you. Whenever I am with you, you look at me as if it’s the first time you are seeing me. I can’t help but wonder, does it even matter I am in your world?

Is it true when they say you can’t help whom you love? If that is true, then I am going to be the lonely girl at every wedding. I am going to be the girl who is hang up on you because you didn’t let me go. I am going to be the girl who fell in love too soon. I am going to be the girl who had her heart broken for giving too much. I am going to be the girl who fought and lost. I don’t regret it because when I care it’s with all of my heart. I am the girl who gives too much and expects as much. I will be that girl until one day I snap and let go. On that day I will be like a sunflower in February. I will blossom like a standalone sunflower. Not because I want to but because I have to.

Sometimes I dress up and muse on what you would say if you saw me. Then I remember compliments are a city in China to you. So I dress up for myself and strut my stuff like a model. When I call you and miss, you call back after 24 hours… or more. You don’t owe me anything. It is just that you are always on my mind. You are the first person I want to call in an emergency, in fact the only person but I am not sure you will pick. So I just call my dad or some other random friend. I don’t want a knight in shining armor but I also don’t want a thug in the night. The one who would steal my heart and leave crumbs on his way out. The sexual tension I feel around you feels like some of those chords on David’s harp. You know the one he played for King Saul? The one that produced perfect tunes?

You met me at my best. I might be undecided sometimes but 90% of the time I know what I want. I did not get this way overnight. I have worked hard at getting here. You are also so mature it’s unnerving. You are comfortable with the man you have become. I am comfortable with whom I have grown to be but I am still a work in progress. I would tell you I don’t want to be the little white statue on top of a wedding cake but that doesn’t fit here. See, when you hit brakes on a moving car, it moves slower and if you hit them too hard, it screeches.

I appreciate the fact that you have a past, because that’s the only way you have become the great man that you are. I love your past because it’s made you who you are. But some of our past is mucky and we need to protect our present from meeting it lest it spills over to our future. I want you in the present, with your past and in my future.

There is this cliché that if you want something bad enough the world will conspire to give it to you. I have recently stopped agreeing with it. I am very realistic. I know if you want something you have to work towards getting it and pray for luck. Not when it comes to humans. You cannot get one just because you want them. They have to want you back. Except for family. That is the only thing that you get whether you want them or not.

Humans are like wine a little, humor me. Sometimes you have to settle for the bottle with a screw cap and drool at the bottle with a cork from 10 feet away. If you wait a little longer you can get the bottle with the cork, its better aged and tastes heavenly. But you have to be alert not to let the perfect bottle by pass you.

Things could change in the blink of an eye; I could get squished between two buses on Tom Mboya Street as I ran my errands. That is why every once in a while we need to appreciates the tasty Nyama Choma at Kamau’s or that tasty fish at Mama Oliech’s. I want you in my life but when it starts feeling like I’m going to settle for crumbs then I know it’s time to stop. I cannot change how I feel but i can ignore it. There is a reboot button on most modern electronics. Should I use it?