I have these moments when I get really, really empty headed. If you are a mathematician it’s like when your numbers fail to add up right or you can’t find the famous X or if you are a prostitute it’s like mid-month and you can’t sell your goodies to Johns’ (pun intended) because mwezi iko corner na kumekauka(business is slow). I have been feeling this way for a while now, my brain is dry and nothing is giving me the feels enough to push me to pour my heart out. When you are trying to be good at something and it feels like it’s not going your way you get frustrated and very discouraged. You start thinking maybe your friend was wrong for making you believe you can do it. I have several articles started up but I have no idea how to go on. I can’t just sit and type stuff I have to be inspired to do that, and am not inspired just now. When I get inspired, I have so much hope I normally feel like I can punch a hole on earth because of the energy I have. During this times I get tunnel vision, I work at it (gosh I slave away you have no idea) then I sit there like a log and wait for my miracle to come through. When it doesn’t come through which is a lot of times lately I go through these phases that come in waves. First there is disappointment and blame, I start wondering why on earth would I be so stupid as to stack all my eggs in one basket, who does that in 2015 with all the insurance brokers smiling at you even when you go to a city council toilet (speaking of which I have never understood why city council toilets in Nairobi leek so much given how much water goes down the drain every time someone pees).Oh and by the way I stopped using city council toilets when I realized all I need to empty my bowels in a lavender smelling lavatory is confidence, walk into an office block, hotel or whatever tickles your fancy and have a grand relaxed time as you pee and walk out like a queen. Second I blame the guy up there for bringing me on planet earth and then forgetting all about me and my very expensive needs, I rain on His highness with some harsh words. Then comes frustration and hopelessness where I feel like the world is against me and that guy up there has written me off (he gets a raw deal from me), I get a sinking feeling in my stomach like there is a hole feeling up with hot tears that should never see the light of day. Finally I pick myself up and start feeling like the world is my urinal, you know like a man would, after a night on the town and he just randomly stops his car just 100 meters to his house because he has to pee immediately and he steps out and for one small minute he’s in heaven. I assume it sort of feels invincible because I will never know peeing in a bush in front of all and sundry but that’s how I feel after I am done picking myself up and starting on something else. A psychologist will easily tell me that I have mild bipolar because I have very high highs and very low lows but I don’t it’s just life being life. So now am trying to get my groove back on because I have this friend who never lets up, if you ask him I am a very good writer. Did you know I have never been published? I started a blog in 2012 which I completely forgot about until July of 2015 so his only evidence is my Facebook ranting’s, that’s what I call faith. My writing comes from a sad place, a happy place, an observation or just idleness, sometimes I even think I plagiarize, after I read an article or a book especially if the said book or article leaves me with a hangover I always find that I have an opinion of my own and what better place to voice it than on my timeline, it’s my “public private” space, that normally cures the hangover. My thought process gets interrupted a lot by external forces, I have the concentration span of a four year old because I get bored easily. As of now though I have to really battle my distractions ‘facebook, instagram,our sick cat-honey’ and prove to myself that I can do it. Listening to country music as I tap away on this keyboard is the only trick left in my book to keep me from walking away to other things(mostly stare at YouTube video’s ,listen to podcasts, watch TED ,see what’s trending on twitter and all those other distracting things that keep you glued to your screen for hours on end).One thing is messing with my concentration though, I have this flu that is giving me a pounding headache and every time I sneeze it feels like all my brains will come tumbling out and then I will have no brain left to use while typing this and a few other articles I intend to pen in my quest to impress ‘Ms Makena’. Oh, you are wondering who ‘Ms Makena is? She is this scribe genius I am supposed to meet or talk to and show her I am worth mentoring as an amateur writer. I keep wondering will she let me down easy if she realizes I can barely make any sense or will she be one of those who use tough love to see if I am a hard fighter in the face of adversity ‘I am not’. I crumble, I disintegrate at criticism, positive or otherwise. I always want to be strong, you know one of those women who have gone through fire and they are still standing strong and the mirror smiles at them every morning because they have slayed seven dragons in their lifetime and they are still standing. All I am is a fighter. I fall apart easily but I pick myself up just as fast, or will she be one of those gracious sweet women the man up there gifted the earth with and all they do is spread their sweet scent wherever they step and tell you “Kendi you are a fantastic writer ,your brain works in mysterious ways all you need is practice more and you will be staring at a Pulitzer, you know those one’s even when you are hanging from a cliff will tell you hang on until you fall to your death with soar fingers from holding on too much”. I am off to get some cold caps to alleviate my painful flu before I lose all my brain through my nostrils. Stay happy people.