Thursday 11/11/2015 we travelled to Meru with friends for Mikes funeral (by now you all know Mike). Everyone else was at Kenyatta University funeral home by 5:30 am. It was a brief rendezvous before departure to Meru at 6:00 am. We left at around 11:30am after TOTAL KENYA Petrol Station, Fedha fueled our car with water laced petrol (TOTAL KENYA this is the third time I’m hearing about such a thing, Kenyans are watching).

In roughly two and half hours we were in Meru riding in our Veve(Miraa) compliant Harrier. The only other car that almost got me orgasmic after the Land Rover Defender, after I own this car nitajua nimefika (I will have made it). I know it’s not being produced anymore but I won’t stop loving it most especially now that it’s become a collector’s item. I have no evidence for the two hour journey you just have to take my word for it, maybe if I say I almost shat myself you might believe me. While on Thika road I braked like a thousand times before I got  used to it and realized I was with a good driver, amazing is the word actually. Mike’s funeral was a spectacle of greatness, eeeish I have never seen so many people at a funeral like that. He was an absolute hero, a true man of the people may he R.I.P.

After the funeral our intention was to travel back on the same day because of various commitments. We left Meru at around 8:30 pm all loaded up with water,soda,Njugu and of course Meru green gold yaani Miraa. On the trip back we were with Kirimi, Mutai, Leo and myself.We get to Nkubu check the pressure stretch our joints a few miles (yaani tulitembea tembea) around the petrol station then left for Nairobi. As we drive Mutai tells me to give him stories because I write, I tell him my mouth doesn’t run as fast as my written words.  Then he tells me how he is such an unromantic fella – I’m tempted to intervene for the future- but I comfort him that he is romantic with the fact that he bought us a two litre bottle of water, I’m also hopeless you can tell.

Then in a split of a second our car’s tyres are facing heaven. We had overturned; don’t connect this with the trip to Meru. This was a different car, different setting and different circumstance. I don’t know what happened, all Mutai remembers hearing is me saying, “Shit! What’s happening?” I could not muster something more profound like, Oh my God, or one of those divine phrases. I cursed in the midst of it all. I bet I need sir G more than I am willing to accept.

When we came to ourselves inside the car I was hanging from my seat belt like some meat at city market fresh from the slaughter house. Our driver Leo was under me, it looked like I was teasing him. He even made fun of it after we crawled out that he was a happily married man. Kirimi was buried under Mutai’s weight. Kirimi is part of the 1GB clan, Mutai is a walking hill (amekula vizuri) so you can imagine the scene. Mutai is sweet he first asked Kirimi if he was ok, I bet he was afraid that he might have crashed him. Then Leo was asking endlessly, “Are you guys ok?” Are you guys ok?” Poor guy. We all confirmed we were. Then still hanging like a freshly slaughtered rabbit I saw Leo’s legs in a weird angle and shouted, “Are you sure you are ok?” “Hata hizo miguu zako?” (Even your legs?) “Hebu stretch nione?”(Stretch them I see?).Now when someone calls you in an accident you had better answer if you can hear them because the panic that Kirimi threw us into after crawling out was unfothamable, we almost thought he had passed out. Now  boys and girls when you get into your car, I don’t care whether you intend to drive around your house or to the moon buckle up. Use that sit belt ,just use it, it saved my life.

Kirimi crawled out from a broken window and I crawled out second. Mutai and Leo couldn’t fit in the tiny hole (body size issues). Two matatu’s stopped to help us and they pulled Mutai and Leo out of the rubble. I was standing at the side of the road when the passengers from the matatu’s (this is our public means of transport here in Kenya) asked me who else was in the accident. I said I was and pointed towards Kirimi, the women immediately started groping me (that’s how it felt anyway), I don’t know whether they were trying to feel if my boobs have shifted or if I still own a butt (it’s important for sitting) or if  my head is facing the right direction but they touched me everywhere. I even started thinking if I was hurt they must have made it worse. They made sure we were all ok then left after we had called for help and with a neighbor as our guard. Nobody else was groped just so you know. Then one of the guys said nyinyi huwa hamli vya haramu (you never harvest where you never planted) and Leo said nope Mike has already started being a guardian angel. I think Leo was right.

After we were left alone we started looking for means to entertain ourselves. We must have looked like mad men on the side of the road.Leo asked for a match box to smoke we went back and picked it (smokers cigarrete smoke will just give you cancer, your priorities will kill you). Mutai and Leo still had Miraa, the Meru gold never falls off I swear. We crawled back to look for our phones to alert someone. Now Mutai was so calm it looked wrong but I commend him for it. When he called this is what he said, “Tumepata kaajali kidogo hapa kanyakine  lakini tuko sawa, kujeni mtuchukue.” (We have had a small accident, we are all ok please come pick us). I knew that was the perfect way to deliver a message especially after a funeral but I wanted to shout. “We have somersaulted with the car and it’s facing under side up, come see a miracle, no one has been hurt not even a scratch, run guys, run!” I have never seen anything like that so you can imagine my joy walking out of that alive.

Mutai’s phone went off and we still hadn’t found any other phone. Our friends were so worried but we finally found them and talked to them. After asking for help we started looking for Soda, nuts (yaani njugu) as accompaniments and we had a veve session at the side of the road (I also did what would you expect me to do you judgy Judy over there, stare at the darkness?). Miraa is calming, I’m not telling you to go chew and forget your obligations just be smart. This is advocating for drug abuse some will say but I’m Meru , Miraa is our Gold.The shock we were in started wearing off and my body involuntarily started shaking. I just could not control myself (thank you Kirimi for the hug).You brought in a problem though I’m not a very touchy feely human but now I need a hug constantly I just want to hug the shit out of everybody. If I hug you a little longer when we meet bear with me it’s just a phase it’s gonna wear off (I hope not).

I forgot to say my life didn’t flash before my eyes when we had the somersault, or those whom it happens to are holier than I am? I didn’t see anything I swear I did not. I am supposed to attend a Masters writing class sometime in December and all I could think about was, I’m going to die with this thirst to write and I remembered my friend who keeps telling me to not waste my talent. Then I thought of all the snacks I would have eaten at the masters writing class event and I felt sorry for myself, I was staring at death and all I could think about was food? I need to change my priorities as well but here I am telling you my shitty musings and I’m alive and kicking. I am so grateful for my life and every morning I wake up I look up to sir G and say thank you.

Kenyans are amazing people, Meru’s are divinely good (forgive my bias but I was rescued by Meru’s at 2 am on the side of the road and I’ve been hanging out with them since). Mutegi , thank you for leaving your ice cold tusker and coming to hang with us on the side of the road. When Mutegi came it started raining cats,dogs and all other little rascals and we bundled into his car and waited for the rains to subside then all our friends started trickling in. I could literally feel the love from all you guys from wherever, we all could.

Mutegi  for insisting that we go to hospital and driving us there, at that hour Asante. Kirori,Kaanse,Alex,Rosie (she cried she’s so sweet this one),Petty and all you who went out of your way to help us thank you. If I haven’t mentioned you usicatch I was a little loopy on that day I barely remember your faces. I met some of the most amazing people the past two days, if I met you no matter how brief I enjoyed your company. I don’t know if I’ve been living under a rock that I hadn’t met you all but I am definitely hanging out with you again even if it’s in my brain.